How to Cope with the Stages of Grief

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Grief is like a roller coaster.

One minute you’re on top of the world with the wind in your hair, and the next thing you know gravity pulls you into the terrifying unknown. You go so low into the depths of despair that you think you might never come back up again.

But then eventually you smile again. You laugh and experience momentary joy, until you are snapped back to reality with guilt and the reminder of what you’ve lost.

Sometimes the grief comes out of nowhere, each twist and turn more unexpected than the last. You’re riding a wave of hope and joy when suddenly the track twists and dips – and you’re back in bed again, feeling the weight of it all crushing you.

The “Stages” of Grief

The term “Stages of Grief” is not really accurate. You don’t progress from one to the next — Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance — but rather you flow back and forth between these emotions. Up and down like a roller coaster.

You wonder if you’ll ever feel whole again, and yet you know things will never be the same.

Eventually you learn to experience both joy and sadness at the same time. To allow your grief to co-exist with gratitude for the life you still have to live.

Sometimes it can be hard to enjoy the highs because of the anxiety and fear of the next low. But that’s life. No matter what you’re going through there will be ups and downs. We have to experience it all to enjoy the ride.

You have to buckle up and ride out every peak and valley. There are no shortcuts.

You need to allow yourself to experience the lows and highs. Allow yourself to have joy again without guilt. Remember what it’s like to smile and laugh and play.

But also allow yourself to feel the lows. Often when we feel a “negative” emotion, we want to ignore it. We try to stuff it down and pretend we’re okay. But we’re not, and it’s okay not to be okay.

In these low moments, I use my self-care toolkit, which is a three-step method to help you feel better without ignoring tough emotions.

1. Recognize how you’re feeling and name the emotion

The first step is to recognize when negative feelings come up and learn how to name them. This helps us accept the feeling rather than trying to “figure it out.” Instead of thinking “Why am I feeling like this right now?” This step allows us to say “I’m feeling anxiety right now.” There’s no need to ask why, simply note what it is.

2. Set a timer for 10 minutes and allow yourself to to feel the emotion.

When we ignore our negative emotions we’re only letting them build up inside. That’s why you might end up curled in a ball crying after a few shots of tequila. (No? Just me?) Your emotions will eventually catch up with you. When I am feeling anxious, sad or angry, I set a timer and allow myself to be “in my feelings” for 10 minutes. Cry, scream, yell, punch a pillow, or give yourself permission to worry.

In the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski they explain why this method works. When our brains go into fight or flight mode you need to complete the stress cycle to get rid of the adrenaline surging through your body. Nagoski and Nagoski recommend seven ways to complete the stress cycle – physical activity, creativity, physical touch, connecting with loved ones, breathing, laughing and crying.

But I take this a step further and divide it into two parts. When you’re sad or anxious, crying can be a good way to get it out. But then you need to do something to shift out of that “woe is me” mindset – which is where self-care comes in.

3. Ask yourself what you need to feel better, and apply self-care.

There are six types of self-care we all need at some point, depending on what we’re feeling — Connection, Comfort, Distraction, Restoration, Motivation and Release. Nagoski and Nagoski’s methods for completing the stress cycle fit nicely within these categories as well. If you need connection you might want a hug or a chat with a loved one, for example. If you need to release anger or stress, physical activity is a great way to do that. Or if you need distraction, a good laugh or doing something creative can help shift your mindset.

In my new book “Strong Calm Confident You,” I share my self-care toolkit. It includes a self-care menu with items that work for me in each of these six categories, along with a blank menu for you to fill out on your own. You can also download a free printable of this three step method here.

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When you’re going through the roller coaster of grief, this three-step method can help you get through the lows, so you can truly enjoy the highs. As I said, the stages of grief are not linear, but you will eventually get to a place where the lows are less frequent and the highs feel good again. You will get through this. You are strong. You are brave. And I’m here with you every step of the way.