Losing Control

Yesterday…

I lost control.

I let my anxiety get the best of me like I have so many times before. I let it wrap itself around me and smother me.

Like a chain reaction, one bad event led to another and another until I felt completely helpless and out of control.

Any trigger of stress or anxiety, big or small, can start me on the downward spiral.

Just one cookie. I deserve it.

…

I really should have eaten that cookie. It wasn’t even that good.I wonder how many weight watchers points that was?

At this point I might search for chocolate chip cookie in the weight watchers system, but then give up when I decide there are two large a range of points values for cookies, and I have no way of knowing how many points it actually was.

I guess I won’t count points today.

God, I’m going to get fat.

But, what’s one day!? I’m going to have another cookie.

…

I can’t believe I had two cookies already — it’s not even lunch time yet. Maybe I’ll skip lunch.

As I try not to think about food, I don’t realize that I’m chewing on my nails in place of a third cookie.

In 10 minutes, all of my nail polish is in a pile on my desk and some of my nails are so short they hurt.

Is my pinkie bleeding? Gross. 

All of my hard work to grow out my nails — gone in a matter of a few minutes.

This makes me feel worse.

Now I’ve classified today as a “bad day”

Co-Worker: “Want to get lunch?”

Me: “Sure” My day’s already ruined anyway

After lunch I have another cookie or whatever else I can get my hands on. And by the end of the day I’m feeling so lethargic and sad for myself the thought of going to the gym is about as appealing as getting a cavity filled.

And at the rate of my cookie consumption that might be in my future, too.

I make all kinds of jokes about it. But the truth is, at the end of the day like this I feel… well, awful.

I feel out of control. I feel fat. I feel unattractive. I feel sick. I feel small (and I don’t mean skinny).

And yet I do this to myself over and over again. I allow one stressful situation to take control of my entire day. I let it derail my health, my mood and my self control

My anxiety causes me to lose control sending me into a spiral of bad habits that cause even more anxiety and stress.

Once I’ve had three cookies, what’s another? Once I’ve bitten four nails, why not bite them all — make them even.

It’s a never-ending, vicious cycle.

I don’t think this is normal. I’m even a little hesitant to post something so personal on the internet, but my hope is that someone who feels the same might see this and not feel alone, and that they might share with me some way to deal with this constant battle against myself.

What I want is to be able to treat myself to the foods I love once in a while without allowing my emotions to fuel those choices and cause me to overeat.

But I’ve always been an all or nothing girl, and learning to do anything in moderation is easier said than done with me.

I don’t know how to fix it, but what I do know is that I can’t keep feeling like this.

One Day Later…

Today, I am in control.

I woke up early this morning and got back in the gym. There’s no better feeling than having your workout out of the way before 9 a.m. I wish I could do this every day. But some mornings sleep wins and I work out at night — and I’m okay with that.

I had a big, but healthy, breakfast and was able to resist snacking mid-morning.

The left over office goodies from yesterday’s birthday celebrations called out to me this morning from beside the water cooler, but I gave them the cold shoulder.

I packed a lunch to keep myself in control. When you pack, you know exactly what you’re putting into your body.

A thoughtful admin moved the cookies and cake onto an empty desk in plain site in the hopes that they “wouldn’t go to waste.” I’ve walked past them at least 5 times today without even a hesitation.

I had a mid-afternoon snack of fruit, and I am feeling on top of the world!

I feel empowered. I feel healthy. I feel strong and beautiful.

If I could remember every day, how I feel today — I would never have days like I had yesterday.