How to Stop People Pleasing

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What is people pleasing?

People pleasing is an intense need for approval or validation from others. People-pleasers often take undue responsibility for other people’s emotions and want everyone around them to be happy. If you have trouble saying no, disagreeing with others, or standing up for yourself, you might be suffering from people pleasing syndrome (10 signs you’re a people pleaser).

People pleasing is something many of us struggle with, especially as women. We feel a need to “do it all” and be happy doing it. We want desperately to be the “perfect woman” — wife, mom, friend, employee, etc. We see our value in what we do for others rather than in who we are. But in reality, we are people pleasing in order to be liked, to feel needed, loved and appreciated.

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The problem with people pleasing

If you’re like me you might be asking, “What’s wrong with that?” People pleasing becomes a problem when we neglect ourselves to gain approval from others. Many people confuse people pleasing with generosity. The difference, according to Talk Space, is people pleasing is motivated by a need for validation, due to low self-worth. True generosity is fueled by shared happiness but is not dependent on approval from others.

When I went to therapy for this first time, I was overwhelmed with stress. Together, we discovered that people pleasing was the source of much of my anxiety. I was feeling burdened by all the things I thought people wanted and needed me to do. I was constantly afraid of upsetting people around me and needed constant approval. I wanted everyone to love me the most. #OnlyChildProblems! I wanted to be the best friend, wife, co-worker, daughter, etc. But when everything is a priority, nothing is. This pattern finally started to change for me when I learned to love and accept myself as my top priority.

At the end of the day, the only person you have to please – is you. When you lay your head on the pillow at night, are you proud of yourself? When you are 80 years old, how will you feel when you look back on your life? That’s what really matters. If you’re religious, it can help to think of this as pleasing God (or whatever you believe in). Doing good for others should not be dependent on their reaction, because that is out of our control. One of the best lessons I’ve learned in therapy is that I am not responsible for other people’s happiness. There are many reasons to consider therapy, and people pleasing is one of them!

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Tips to stop seeking approval from others

1. Learn to love yourself first

In order to stop people pleasing, you have to learn to love yourself first. This isn’t easy for those, like me, who have struggled with self-love. It’s a journey. A good place to start is by prioritizing yourself. Make time for regular exercise, your mental health and practicing self-care – this investment will pay back in happiness dividends!

2. Outline your values and priorities

Make a list of all the people you love in your life — all the people you see and talk to regularly who are important in your life. Now, who are the FIVE people whose opinions you care about most? Who are the people you can call on for advice, who are there for you and who in turn, you want to be there for? This is a tough, but really eye-opening exercise to help you start to prioritize who and what matters most in your life.

3.  Set clear boundaries

Start outlining your limits in all areas of your life. For example, my company has been working from home for three months due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Since we are all working from home, many people are over communicating, and it was becoming overwhelming. I started to practice boundary-setting in terms of what time I log on and off each day and when I will respond to communication. If you stick to your boundaries consistently, you will “train” the people around you what to expect from you and how to treat you.

4. Learn to say no

When asked for a favor, consult your values. Is this something you really want to do, or are you falling victim to people pleasing? Practice saying no to small things first and work your way up. Rachel Hollis has some great tips for how to decline a request with grace in her second book, Girl, Stop Apologizing.

5. Practice disagreeing with others

Similar to saying no, managing conflict takes practice. Start by voicing your opinion when planning lunch with a friend. When she asks you where you want to go, instead of replying “I don’t care, you pick!” Give her 2-3 options that sound good to you. From there, push yourself to speak up when you disagree with someone. I recommend starting with someone you feel safe with and know well. First, recognize their opinion with a statement like “I hear you” and restate what they said. Then, transition to why you disagree, and state your facts. Understand that your goal isn’t to persuade the other person, but just to have a conversation. It’s okay to agree to disagree.

People pleasing is a pervasive problem for women, but once we recognize our own needs, values and create boundaries with generosity, we can live happier, more authentic lives. Do you suffer from people-pleasing? Comment below and tell me what’s worked for you!

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